Goodness, has it been a week already? It’s amazing how time flies when you are enjoying yourself. I’m now on the subject of censorship and editing. The censorship is coming from the direction of my wife and Rachel, my daughter-in-law (and indeed even my ex-daughter in law chimed in the other day), and the editing from my one year old granddaughter, Cara, who is hitting all the buttons whilst Rachel uploads each blog for me. That might explain any part of yesterday’s effort which made no sense. As for the censored bits I am thinking of setting up a premium (pay subscription only) website: Mel’s Meanderings Uncut. Let me know if you think there might be a market for that please. In any event I think the censoring may be because Sam is reading these now. So, sorry Sam. Be something for you to look back on when you are older and think who on earth was that strange man who claimed to be my grandfather.
Right now I'm thinking, be careful what you wish for! We wanted Brexit gone. Bojo sort of did that. We wanted Megxit gone. That one-way flight to Canada achieved that too. We might well have wanted Schmexit gone too if we only knew what it was or might have been. In any event, they are all out of the way and we are now just left with Exit. But continuing the theme of getting what you wish for, we live in what was a leafy quiet road described by local estate agents as desirable. I suppose somebody will have to explain to the likes of Cara what estate agents actually were, as they look like being an extinct breed by the time she grows up. Anyway, our road stopped being quiet when everybody began to use it as a rush hour cut through to the High Street. And the rush hour seemed to start at 5am when the first vehicle roared by at 90 miles an hour.
I tried everything with the Local Authority from asking for traffic calmers, imposition of speed limits, video cameras, even having a couple of local volunteers lay down in the middle of the road to slow things down. Then bingo! We struck gold. The Council came up with a scheme to make our road one way. It meant a bit of added time for all the commuters (maybe 60 seconds!) but you would have thought they’d been ask to divert via the Dartford Tunnel and pay a toll. So to try to encourage the Council to hold their nerve signs went up in almost every window along our road saying, “Yes, to low traffic neighbourhoods.” Well, as I say, be careful what you wish for as we now have a no traffic neighbourhood. And that zero traffic includes any supermarket delivery vans, who seem to have taken those signs in the window all too literally.
Back to Nicky and Wanda. They took a road trip to San Francisco. Sounds like a subject for a song: ‘Me and You and a Dog named Wanda’. So, a 5 hour drive there. 50 minute stay to hand Wanda over to a nice lady called Vanessa who is hopefully putting her on a flight on Tuesday. Another 5 hour drive back. Now, that is a song: ‘I left my Dog in San Francisco’. Tony Bennett eat your heart out. In fact, if things go on like this it may be the only food available to you.
Not sure if anybody else is experiencing a Sainsbury's melt-down. They said they were going to make special arrangements for those at high risk (that’s me by the way if anybody is interested). But, the account is in the name of my wife who isn’t even 70 yet. Child bride. They gave a number to call if you needed to speak to them and I was going to gasp asthmatically down the line begging for a crust of bread and some gruel. But, you can’t even get through. It doesn’t even get as far as the engaged signal. So, we are reliant on the generosity of kind friends and neighbours.
And then today I made the mistake of listening to the radio. As you know I’ve managed to avoid any contact with the news as carefully as any contact with humanity that might give me the virus. I’ve been relying on Virgin Radio and Chris Evans who is as wildly optimistic as me and as relentlessly cheerful/annoying (depends on whether or not you like Marmite). And he had Matt Hancock on. I wasn’t sure who he was before the interview (I know Bojo but would struggle to name another member of his Cabinet). And Matt now says don’t go out at all unless it’s absolutely necessary. Now, is talking to the swans an essential requirement? To be honest, I am still undecided so did a 30 minute cycle on my exercise bike and a 100 sit-ups. Will review that situation tomorrow.
Just back to my son, Nicky, for a moment. Assuming he gets back (and he is due to fly today unless Virgin has a change of heart…. Or their crews have eaten all the hearts...) he said that he’d been away for 5 years and was looking forward to catching up with his family and friends, which won’t now be possible. But, as I pointed out to him he will at least not be seeing them in the same time zone.
As for not seeing (another brilliant and seamless) segue/link, my friend Jeff in Ireland is having problems with his eyes. He’s got double vision and can’t drive, which is a bit of a problem given that where he lives is remote (again see earlier blog…. It is quite hard not to repeat myself though, don’t worry, am really not running out of material). He had an appointment with an eye specialist in Cork and had to cancel it for obvious reasons. I told him that he had missed a real opportunity of seeing two specialists for the price of one.
I’ve actually got a full day ahead of me. First, a National League Board meeting by conference call. That will take an hour and a half. We’ve got 72 small clubs all struggling. Then, coffee and biscuit break. Then going to do a chapter of my new novel. Then Rooibos tea and biscuit break. We writers look for every reason not to write. Was thinking of putting my novel online as a write, chapter by chapter. I mean, good enough for Charles Dickens so good enough for me. “Tale of Two Cities” was serialized in two local papers. The Bicester Times and The Worcester Times. I don’t think Sam will get that so feel free to give me minus a zillion for it.
Then I thought I might catch up with last couple of episodes of the latest series of Dr Who. I am a real Whovian (seen every episode since William Hartnell days…. feel free to vote for your favourite Doctor by the way… Mine is David Tennant, I think). But the point of my even mentioning it is that watching the likes of Dr Who is in fact like watching reality TV. It’s no longer science fiction. It’s become science fact. So, if you want to know how this epidemic will pan out, become a Whovian. Sam loves it too and I think always had a soft spot for Clara played by Jenna Coleman (who didn’t? she even made Queen Victoria attractive). The only thing was that when his Uncle Nicky took him to a Dr Who Convention (yes, there really are such things and people do dress up as the characters and they have valet parking of Tardis’s), he had the chance to meet her and was just too shy.
Anyway, enough for today. If I can’t go out for 12 weeks, can’t have any social contact and can’t even walk round the park, I am going to have to ration my material in the same way as my food. I am down to my last kosher pot noodle by the way so if anybody has some and has my address, or can find an Uber, still running please send urgently
Stay safe and well and see you (metaphorically speaking) tomorrow. It’s time for that tea break and biscuit.