You know how some television programmes start with a warning. “ This programme contains sex, nudity and some scenes that viewers of a nervous disposition may find disturbing “ Ok. Well, substitute “ readers “ for “ viewers “ take out the sex and nudity and you’ve got today’s blog.
Hair, eyebrows and toenails. All good stuff for DNA tests I believe. But also highly relevant to this current Big V situation. My hair is growing everywhere but on top, so no comb-over on the horizon ( as if I would… ) However, I am taking on the appearance of a latter-day Old Testament prophet. My wife offered to trim it at the back but as a barber’s son I do have some standards particularly as she had never heard of thinning scissors and the sharpest alternative we seem to have are nail-scissors. Which brings me neatly on to my toes.
I go to the chiropodist once a month and basically, pay top dollar to get my toe-nails trimmed . That’s a bit harsh on my chiropodist who is a lovely guy and does supply a good chat about football. He was the first to warn me about my feet, to be honest and marveled at the fact I was still jogging until about four years ago. He did say, hearteningly, that he’d never seen feet like mine before which were still functioning sufficiently to take their owner from Point A to Point B. And then, just as he’d predicted all the tendons went on my left foot and after surgery and a two year recovery period they went on my right foot as well. My surgeon, another lovely guy called James Calder ( he began life as an army surgeon working in Afghanistan amongst other places so if he said my feet were a challenge then they really were a challenge.. he operated on Gareth Bale as well so he has two celebrity patients… well, quite a few actually as a lot of top footballers have gone to him. He’s also established his own charity to assist with medical training of young doctors here and abroad) ) shook his head sadly and said that he hadn’t enjoyed the three hours of surgery on my foot and he thought that I hadn’t either so he suggested I try a foot brace. I took his advice and it seems to work, but although it stops me jogging it doesn’t stop my toenails growing.
Those of you who remember Adrian Mole will recall that he did ( reluctantly ) cut the toe-nails of an elderly and very grumpy neighbour whose name I can’t recall. . I couldn’t find an Adrian Mole in Southgate and my wife drew the line at toe-nails so I had to do it myself. Let me tell you, if you are sort-sighted, have only nail scissors and find it hard to bend your knee that’s a major operation. Where is Mr Calder when I need him? So that just left the eye-brows ( I have decided to nurture the Prophet look with my hair ) and here my wife did rise to the occasion and did a pretty good job. I will be scouring Amazon tomorrow for thinning scissors although I do still have my dad’s old stuff as couldn’t ever bring myself to throw it away. But it is a tad rusty so probably best not to try as he has been dead for over forty years.
That’s all probably too much information and there was nudity after all, albeit only of my feet.
Having probably turned you all off your breakfasts, lunches, teas, suppers, dinners ( who knows when people eat nowadays or when they read my blog ?) let me turn to more genteel subjects. Like getting up in the morning. I’ve already mentioned that I seem to be waking up earlier and earlier. I do know some people though who are rising later and later. And so, I share with you something that Chris Evans ( yes him again… I wish he publicized me as much as I publicise him… I do actually know him as he, Danny Baker and I sat for hours together with Gazza before he plucked up the courage to go to get married.) My son Nicky ( whose car had been trashed by angry England fans after the exit from the European Championships that allowed Gazza to get married in the first place ) was designated as a decoy to thwart the hordes of journalists and ensure exclusivity for Hello magazine ) and he helped all of us help Gazza to autograph photos. Hard luck if you think you’re signed pic of Gazza obtained at the wedding is genuine. You have a one in five chance.
Anyway the advice comes from an American holistic life-style guru with whom Chris is obsessed. I can’t remember his name but he has a podcast and does have some very gopd ideas about getting up in the morning. First you take one deep breath. Well, if you can I guess that’s a positive sign nowadays. Then you think of one blessing ( apart from being able to take that deep breath ) …. I have taken to thinking of my grandchildren…. wE have a regular date with Cara at 6.30pm every evening which coincides with her bath-time… and then think of one thing that you are going to do during the day, And I don’t think getting out of bed actually counts. Try it for yourself. It does actually work.
By way of escapism I’ve taken to watching “ Good Omens “ with Michael Sheen ( again, what isn’t he in ? and David Tennant. It’s adapted from the book by Terry Pratchett ( the best English writer of recent times in my opininion.. I mean he created Discworld and there are various gods there including the god of hangovers called “ Oh god “ and if that’s not genius I would like to know what is. Not to mention the character of Genghis Cohen as well. It’s about a demon ( David Tennant ) and an angel ( Sheen ) trying to help avert Armaggedon…. Escapism ? Perhaps not. Although the only one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to appear so far is War so that’s encouraging. I mean, what wouldn’t we give for a good, honest, clean war right now ?
Still, life goes on. I loved the advert in Times 2 this week ( one of the bits of the paper I do read ) for an exhibition called “ Grand Designs London, Live | to be held in August this year, Well, I suppose advertising anything as live in August does show a bit of optimism but then you look at what the show is about, “ Build gardens, interiors, bathrooms and kitchens. “ All good so far. All very useful . Then you look at the venue, It’s the Excel, for heaven’s sake. Didn’t they just equip the place with about a thousand beds? No mention of bedrooms in the ad all. Can you imagine being shown around…. Just walk this way to look at this state of the art bathroom, mind the beds with the patients and their ventilators as you go. But it’s very roomy isn’t it. Just look how many beds we managed to fit into this space!
I’m going to go on line tomorrow and chat with my old school friends I think. When we last spoke, as I shared with you we talked about Blooms Restaurant in the East End famed for its salt-beef. Although I mentioned the extraordinary collection of waiters ( I remember one had thick pebble-glasses so you could never see the expression in his eyes or indeed which way he was looking ) I omitted to mention the odd way of payment there. You see they operated a policy whereby the waiters actually bought and paid for the food in the kitchen, So any little they could add to your bill was a bit of a bonus for them ( now, I’m not suggesting of course that any of them would have done it deliberately ) but deliberate or not I never ever got a bill that actually reflected what I had actually had to eat. I went there for my stag night with a dozen or so people and they’d not taken into account the number of chartered accountants I had with me who actually checked the bill item by item and got it reduced by about twenty percent. Flushed with that success we went on to the Playboy Casino and then to greyhound racing at West Ham where I backed a dog called “ The Wedding Bell “ which won and paid for my honeymoon. I’ve still got a chip from the Playboy worth £5 which I found years later in a turn-up of my trousers. Do you remember turn-ups? Reckon they must be due a come- back.
No hangovers for me on my stag night despite the best endeavours of my friends. My pal Colin was by no means so lucky and we actually thought we might have killed him, We carried him up to his flat, delivered him to his mother and told her apologetically that we had tried to stop him drinking, but had failed miserably. It’s probably the reason why you can’t get Colin to touch a drop of alcohol nowadays,
I see my good friend Trump continues to amuse and bemuse. He’s now claiming to have saved America and is promising the biggest good news ever. He never lets statistics or facts get in the way of a good pre-election boast does he? It’s all China’s fault. Everything. From the Big V to the fact that Joe Biden is gathering his forces to oust to him, to the fact that it seems his wife has moved out of The White house. I do make an exception for him in reading the bits of the paper where his name is in the headlines. Always good value for money.
Enough of politics, enough of my blog today. Although I am gratified when I am told it is being read and enjoyed and bringing a smile to peoples’s faces. On the subject of smiles I like this from Jim Hone ( still stuck in Thailand ( “ Apparently one of the symptoms of Covid 19 is having no taste. Looking back on my exes ( this is him not me ! ) I think I must have been infected for years ! “
Meanwhile, the lawnmower arrived last week and I am going to give it a whirl and my lawn a haircut even if I can’t have one .Stay safe and see you all tomorrow if we are all spared. Stay safe .