You may feel that what I am about to do in today’s blog is cheating. But I think after coming up with original material for 32 of these things I am entitled to stray a little off the straight and narrow. I am a lawyer, after all and to be perfectly honest I have seen that being upright, industrious and moral ( and kind to small children and animals…. well Wanda anyway, gets you absolutely nowhere. I mean, yet again there was that round of applause for the NHS but nothing for any category into which I might fit; lawyer,novelist, poet, sports agent, blog writer. Nada. Despite being vulnerable.
However, I am not one to moan. I hate those Moaning Minnies and Moaning Maxes ( what is the plural of Max? ) that I mentioned the other day. I hate myself for moaning about moaners for that matter. In fact this vulnerable person received a present for the Government this morning. A gift for the vulnerable. It was….. and I kid you not…. A food parcel. And before you ask it did not contain kosher pot noodles or chocolate digestive biscuits. It had all sorts of other goodies in it, like tinned chicken which I can’t eat, ordinary digestive biscuits ( ditto ) potatoes, long life milk, apples, cans of baked beans and soup and tuna. Indeed, if it had arrived a month ago when I was close to starvation without my Sainsbury’s order I could have picked out some permissible stuff and lived on it for a week. I’ve told them in the last two “ checking to see how you are as we have you down as vulnerable “ phone calls, that we are fine for food ( except for the two items I’ve been banging on about for ages and we also finished our very expensive bottle of Balblair whisky last night so could do with that too )
As it is, I can’t send it back because they won’t collect it but we do know some people who are genuinely in need and will ensure it gets into their hands and mouths whilst resisting the temptation to purloin a couple of items that might have been useful. In fact I am arranging for a delivery from a kosher store in Temple Fortune for my essential items and my kosher wine shop is going to deliver a case of O’Dwyer my favourite New Zealand kosher chardonnay and my whisky. I am, meanwhile, trying to extract myself from the Government/ Local Authority vulnerable list without losing my hard-earned priority Sainsbury ( and don’t forget the as yet unused Tesco ) slots.
The list of things to do that is on my desk gets longer by the day. There are several reasons for this. I spend too much time on this blog and my book, I have too much real work to do, the phone never stops ringing ( about which more later ) and it’s sunny outside. I am a sucker for sunshine. And holidays in sunny climes. Which is why we take off for South Africa every winter for a month or so. Burglars please note. Although maybe not in 2021. I am still hopeful, my wife less so. In fact she is less than hopeful. She says we aren’t going unless there is a vaccine and even if we travel in newspaper clothing we still aren’t going. So, Government please note. Get on with that vaccine production please. My holidays depend upon it.
I don’t actually sit out in the sun for hours on end. I’ve never understood how people can do that. It’s dangerous and it’s boring. And yet we always pack sun-cream. Factor about one million. We also pack insect repellant. That’s because the insects love it . You’ve no sooner put it on than they are licking it off. But, back to sun-cream. Or sun-screen as the Americans call it. We saw Wanda yesterday as my son did that challah mercy run ( thank you Rebbetzin Ilana for your talk on challah by the way ) and very cute she was too. Took pictures and my dog-hating, cat-loving younger son took exception to the fact that she was trampling over the hallowed turf occupied by our deceased last cat, Misty. I dealt with the first cat yesterday. Don’t seem to have a lot of luck with felines.
So, struggling to keep to the subject here. Suncream. Back in 1997 before he was a successful director of films such as Moulin Rouge and an equally successful musical producer Baz Luhrman recorded a song called ,” Everybody’s Free ( To Wear Sun-Cream ) I loved it when it came out and Wogan played it endlessly on his morning breakfast show. What wouldn’t we give for a Terry Wogan now to give us his lop-sided view on the state of play? We have to make do with Chris Evans, not a bad substitute, and he played this track the other morning. I listened carefully and then played it again and realized it is a work of total genius. So, without consent and throwing myself open to major litigation I reproduce it here. Read it carefully and I will test you on it in my next blog. You have not heard the end of Sunscreen , I fear.
Everybody's Free
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97 Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it A long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable Than my own meandering experience, I will dispense this advice now
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh, never mind You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth Until they've faded, but trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back At photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now How much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked You are not as fat as you imagine
Don't worry about the future Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing Bubble gum The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind The kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. On some idle Tuesday Do one thing every day that scares you
Saying, don't be reckless with other people's hearts Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours
Floss
Don't waste your time on jealousy Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements
Stretch
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't Get plenty of calcium Be kind to your knees You'll miss them when they're gone
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the 'Funky Chicken' On your 75th wedding anniversary Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much Or berate yourself either Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room Read the directions even if you don't follow them Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly
Brother and sister together we'll make it through Some day a spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting but I've been waiting to be there for you And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good Be nice to your siblings, they're your best link to your past And the people most likely to stick with you in the future
Understand that friends come and go But a precious few, who should hold on
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle For as the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard Live in northern California once but leave before it makes you soft
Travel
Accept certain inalienable truths Prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too, will get old And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young Prices were reasonable, politicians were noble And children respected their elders
Respect your elders
Don't expect anyone else to support you Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse But you never know when either one might run out
Never mess too much with your hair Or by the time you're 40 it will look 85
Be careful whose advice you buy but be patient with those who supply it Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past From the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts And recycling it for more than it's worth
But trust me on the sunscreen
Brother and sister together we'll make it through Some day a spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting but I've been waiting to be there for you And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Everybody see it oh yeah yeah
Everybody see it oh yeah He want you to feel good!
There was a lot more I wanted to write today . Phone calls, Bromance, Trump and his immigration, policy. Slave-workers in Ambridge, sex workers ( really ) in Stow-on-the Wold in the Cotswolds) my loft…. Bet you can’t wait for Sunday’s episode. Anyway stay safe, have a good Sabbath and see you all on Sunday if we are spared.