The Big V giveth and the Big V taketh away. It gave me a cheery ‘ Times ‘ headline the other day when it said “ Antibody treatment promises to protect elderly from virus. “
Now I am past my mid-seventies I have to accept that I am elderly. And I am anti-body as well, because when you get to my age you really don’t like your body. But, on closer inspection of what the article says that’s not what anti-body means. I have to say that I’ve read all the article and still don’t have a clue as to what an anti-body is, but if it gives me protection then I am all for it, that’s for sure.
Mind you, it does say protection and as ever when you read the small print what it really says is that a three minute infusion of the mysterious anti-bodies could ward off infection for up to six months. So, it’s only could and not would and what use is six months anyway so in fact the whole article was blatantly misleading and I am going to report the Times to the Press Commission for a) getting my hopes up with a rubbish headline and b) wasting my time by having me spend fifteen minutes of my life that I will never get back again reading that balderdash.
And as for the Big V taking away, well, it, in conjunction with the BBC has just snatched from my 75 year old grasp the right to a free television licence. Outrageous. Transport for London has removed my right to travel free before 9.00 am ( mind you wild horses wouldn’t get me on a train at the moment ) and now this. Pretty upset and only cheered up by a late birthday present received from my old pal Charlie Clapham, formerly the Chairman of Southport Football club, who sent me a fabulous, framed, limited edition, Winnie the Pooh print. Now there aren’t many 75 and bit year old’s who would get excited by that, but I am no ordinary 75 and a bit year old, as you well know.
It’s got Tigger and Piglet and Eeyore as well as the Bear himself in the main picture all playing together nicely and trying to catch a flying insect. As soon as our handyman comes to the house to fix a few things ( the blinds in my office have come off their runners and we need the lovely painting we bought in South Africa put up in our through room ( yes, the one I clean every week though that may be coming to an end as I think our cleaner is returning August 1st ) then Winnie and pals are going up in my office to replace a signed poster of a Jane Russell film, “ The Outlaw “
Which brilliant ( if I say so myself ) link brings me to masks. Seems that the police are being put in charge of… well… policing it I suppose. I have this picture of a bank robber rocking up outside an bank he is about to well… rob… and the friendly neighbourhood copper handing the potential thief a mask as he goes in so that he doesn’t commit a crime by not wearing a mask inside an establishment!
There is even talk of Her Majesty the Queen wearing a mask. Wonder if she will put it on herself or have an aide do it with something like a very long set of tweezers so there is social distancing. Seems that her income is about £30m in the hole because of the Big V so why am I complaining about 75 quid? Nobody wants to visit the Palace ( not even Christopher Robin and Alice ) which means she has to find a way to supplement her income and I am reliably told is brewing home-made artisan gin in her bath. Or any number of baths. Some queens bathe in glory, some in milk and others in gin. It’s very nicely bottled and as she goes on a regular morning ride near Windsor where ( again I am told there is an excellent Farmer’s Market ) I wonder if she is going to get herself a nice little pitch there and flog it . Maybe folk who buy can also ask for a selfie.
Bet she has had her hair done throughout. And on the subject of hair I hope you are watching “ Mrs America “ with the brilliant Cate Blanchett playing Phyllis Schafly who managed to set back the cause of women’s rights in the States by at least a couple of decades. She wanted to push the cause of homemakers, or housewives as we call them, which didn’t stop her roaring around the country appearing on every talk show at the drop of her knickers. And she had a black maid who seemed to do everything for her an dher family. She and her little puritan friends were worried ( or at least they said they were ) that women would be drafted to go and fight in Vietnam. She liked to paint a picture of plucky little American heroines crouching in foxholes and having to use same sex toilets. Oh and she also got the musical “ Hair “ banned. Mind you, so many women ( and men ) have their hair so long that they have to wear a hair band ( how many out of ten, Sam?)
Footballers too, have their hair in pony tails although they stop short of hair nets. That doesn’t apply to my team, Newcastle’s players as they couldn’t find the net even if they tried… even for £60,000 a week. They are playing Spurs tonight and as we beat them 1-0 at their new stadium in August I am hoping for a double. I say hoping, but without any great confidence.
I mentioned Rabbi Kopel Rosen from Carmel College a few blogs ago and said the famous Jackie Milburn had been a coach there. Somebody asked the Rabbi if he was a fan of the beautiful game and he said he liked the sport but wasn’t too keen on watching his school play. On one famous occasion he said to one of his pupils,
“ Ackerman you are playing a very fair game. You’ve played for our side for half the match and for our opponents for the other half. “ Bit of a judgement of Solomon that.
I mentioned old Penguin books going for huge prices but “ Super Mario “ computer games in their original boxes go for even more. One sold for $90,000 dollars the other day. Remember those little games in the early days of computers with one little white ball being batted back and forth across the screen ? Wasn’t Amstrad and Alan Sugar something to do with that? And then he goes and buys a football club where there is a medium sized white ball being knocked back and forth across a pitch.
Still, everybody has to get their exercise where they can nowadays and when I went to my local park with my grandchildren on Sunday it seemed that everybody was getting it there. Running as an exercise has increased by 96% and there are one million runners out on the streets spreading the word and the Big V at the same time. Waiting times for new bikes are stretching into November and bike theft is a growth industry. Great Italian classic film “Bicycle Thieves “ of course. You can get tips on how to secure your bike on You Tube and one guy followed that faithfully only to return to find his bike still there,but the rear wheel gone. Such is life in the times of cholera and the Big V
A year ago yesterday I was at Lords watching England win the cricket World Cup. A year is a long time in sport . As a famous writer once said, “ the past is a foreign country. “ And I would like to visit it. That last bit is me, not the famous writer, by the way.
Anyway, enough meanderings for the day. Stay safe and if I am spared will see you all again tomorrow,