The gardeners came this morning and actually did the back for the first time since March. I asked them how they thought I had done with the lawn in the interim and they made appreciative noises. At least, I thought they were appreciative. They were the sort of noises one builder makes when he’s asked to come in and remedy the defects of his predecessor. But, I am pleased they came as will be apparent when I reveal my next big money-making scheme. Unlike Little Richie I can’t print my own money.
So, yesterday I spoke of fake flights in Taiwan and now I am thinking of how to make money from fake hotel stays. I could open up my doors ( well, at least the garage doors as they are a route to the garden without going into the house ) and by a series of arrows on the floor take prospective guests ( real, not fake ) through to the garden, the garden that is looking really good.
There I can meet them at my garden table with a credit card machine. We once stayed at a very smart five star hotel in Israel between Tel Aviv and Eilat stuck out in the desert. It was a bugger of a drive to get there and we were hot, tired and dusty. We walked into reception where an angry looking woman said one word :-
“ Card. “
Now, Israelis aren’t generally known for their good manners or patience. It’s the one country in the world where I refuse to drive and they are such awful drivers that they’ve lost more people to road accidents than in all their wars put together. But, this woman took the cake ( or the strudel as it was in Israel ) I gave her my card and cut her some slack thinking that she had a limited command of English. Not a bit of it. She took the card and swiped it and then said in perfect English, without any kind of apology or explanation that our room wasn’t ready.
I said we would go and have a coffee, thinking that she might at least offer us one on the house. That didn’t happen either. She begrudgingly took my mobile number, complained because it was an English cell and said we’d be called when the room was ready. We weren’t and when I went back to the desk she’d knocked off, but the room was ready. I complained to the manager and he shook his head in understanding.
“ Ah yes, Chana “ ( or whatever her name was ) as if the mere mention of her was sufficient explanation. But after that the hotel couldn’t do enough for us and even gave us a personal escort into the nearby town.
Now, I am going to be running a far friendlier establishment. I will take the card, return it in gloved hands and then offer a choice of a cold drink or a glass of wine. I will have the guest take a seat facing the garden and the many blooms that my missus has lovingly planted, potted and tended during the Big V. I may give the guest a personal introduction to Tommy, Theresa, Timothy and Tabitha my tomato plants which are doing splendidly, thank you very much for asking.
I will then escort them down to the shed at the bottom of the garden, which my gardener wife has spent most of yesterday cleaning out. I mentioned Arthur Miller writing in his shed. Greig, the Norwegian composer did the same and so did Tolstoy, I believe. Our shed, she discovered, has a window that opens and enough space for a small writing table and chair if I choose to follow their example. But with my fake hotel I am thinking more of offering it as a very small bedroom ( ensuite if you don’t mind relieving yourself in the space behind the shed ) and see the reaction.
We have a friend who always insists on being shown the third room first, but as my guests won’t be able to come into the house, that won’t be an option open to them. I assume they will reject the shed/room and all that will leave me to do is to credit the deposit back to their card ( less the cost of the welcome drink ) and escort them out back through the garage. I may do an on line questionnaire so they can tell me about the quality of their stay and post a Trip Advisor review. They will at least have had the hotel experience, albeit without the benefit of the Full English Breakfast.
I have to say I move away from anybody who sits opposite me on a train ( unlikely to be doing that for a while ) who orders things like sausages and bacon etc as I can’t stand the smell. I never eat anything cooked for breakfast. In fact nothing cooked should be served until after noon. That’s the cut in time for a cooked meal.
The Germans are even more carnivorous in the mornings ( whew had to do a link to my next blog item and I think I got away with it , even without mentioning the war ) Seems that whilst the lock down has been eased in Berlin the legalized brothels there remain shut. I suppose social distancing is a bit tricky to carry out if you go to a brothel intending to avail yourself of the pleasures awaiting you there.
The sex workers ( true Pro’s every one ) have been demonstrating ( well, not literally, of course… you can get arrested for things like that… ) holding up sex dolls ( well, you can never be too old for a dolly can you, my wife still mentions her Sally doll to this day ) and bearing banners that demand state aid. They say that they are being discriminated against as the rules for other professions have been relaxed and you can have a massage or a tattoo or a sauna. They’ve got a point. Of course, though I am not convinced by their claim that if things carry on then their chosen career will be driven underground and into illegality. I am not sure how the woman I heard interviewed was able to say that with a straight face.
Sticking with Germany they are adapting the wonderful Philip Roth book “ The Plot Against America “ into a television series. If you’ve not read it, then it’s the one where in an alternate history of the States, the anti-semitic, fascist admiring, Charles Lindbergh runs for President and wins and turns America into…. an antisemitic-fascist country. Now nobody could describe Trump as anti-semitic ( he’s many things , but not that. I mean, his daughter converted to marry the traditional Jared ) and although he’s not from the Mussolini school of fascists he is pretty right wing. I’ve an American friend who reads my blogs and is scared to comment on them in case her comments get caught up in the Trump trawl of social media and make her a marked woman. So, will “ The Plot Against America “ be a drama series or a documentary? Can’t wait to find out.
Mind you, an English friend who worked in the Civil Service for many years tells me that although every email sent in this country isn’t read, the Government and MI5 do have the ability to look for key words that spell danger. Maybe like, Parliament, explosion, bomb would be amongst them. So, be warned. Don’t send ANY emails, or post anything on social media, that refers to Guy Fawkes,
And on that explosive note I take my leave for the day. Stay safe and if we are spared I will see you all tomorrow.