First of all an apology to Diego the Giant tortoise. I killed him off prematurely. He merely retired. And well-deserved that was too. A Giant in more senses than one. But, somebody who did die ( and this is hot off the presses) is Vera Lynn. It’s not often that I beat the National dailies with news. Funnily enough, my wife was assembling a photo album of old pictures from her side of the family. I doubt any of my family members read this blog, but if they do, don’t worry, I will get around to it, or maybe make it a provision in my will that my grandchildren only inherit if they get the thousands of photos in some semblance of order…. And while they are at it do the same with my football programmes and stamp collection.
Amongst the photos were some taken on VE Day as the cavalcade procession drove past my late father-in-law’s factory in Cambridge Heath Road. An odd route to choose ( maybe they wanted to go through the East End because it was so badly bombed in the Blitz ) , but no odder than the Coronation procession in 1953 proceeding along Green Lanes in Stoke Newington past my dad’s barber’s shop. Prince Philip did not pop in for a short back and sides although years later when I got my haircut at Trufitt and Hill in Central London I quite often found myself sitting next to the Duke of Kent ( one of Trufitt’s hairdressers had to go to the Palace to cut Philip’s hair and may still do…. sadly one of the owners of Truffit, my friend, Alan Broughton died just a month or so ago himself.
I remember seeing the Queen of Togo in an open carriage in the rain in ’53 but back in ’45 there was a car flying the American flag followed by loads of motor cycles and out-riders. My wife showed me the pic and asked me to identify the man in the car and after a few poor efforts on my part ( Eisenhower? ) she told me it was Roosevelt. Isabella came to the rescue and pointed out that he was dead by then so unless it was a cardboard cut-out, that was unlikely. It’s a lovely historical document and if anybody has any ideas as to whom it might be, in what is certainly the official American car, then let me know please.
Vera Lynn of course sang about the “ Bluebirds Over the White Cliffs of Dover “ My wife is proving a veritable mine of information at the moment and told me that the “ Bluebirds “ weren’t birds at all, but were symbolic of the RAF who were, of course, the heroes in blue uniforms. I have always maintained this blog is educational and this kind of information proves it.
On the subject of cardboard cut-outs, Premier League football returned last night and what a mixed experience it was. A truly awful match between Aston Villa and Sheffield United ended in a goal-less draw after starting with all the players and the referee “ Taking the Knee “ and all the players having the motto “ Black Lives Matter “ on the back of their shirts instead of their names. They can take my knee, torn meniscus and all, any time, but it was a rather moving gesture and as for the loss of names on the backs of the shirts I assume they know who they are anyway. Though it might be a bit confusing for the referee when he asks a player to turn around so he can book him . Mind you, poor Michael Oliver the referee was confused enough later in the game when he failed to spot that the Aston Villa goalkeeper had carried the ball over his own goal-line and thus denied Sheffield United what would have been the winning goal. He said he was waiting for the watch on his wrist to buzz after the goal-line technology had identified it as a goal. But it didn’t. Maybe it was because it was raining.
That heavy rain last night had other unfortunate consequences. At a later match between Manchester City and Arsenal the home team had placed cardboard cut-outs around seats in the stand. They’d not bothered to look up the weather forecast and as the rain fell and fell they sort of disintegrated and finally vanished. It was a bit like the home fans of Spurs who trickle and then flood away well before the end of a match when their team are losing.
Last comment about footie or else some of my readers like Andrea will complain. To get some atmosphere into the stadium they imposed crowd noises. But they also set up a zoom room which they showed on the big screen and invited fans to join the meeting. Unfortunately , they all had different broadband providers which meant that their reactions came in at different times over a space of about ten seconds. Cue unsynchronized audience reaction which was an entertainment in itself. As was an Arsenal defender throwing social distancing to the wind, hauling down a City defender, giving away a penalty and getting a red card. However, with no name on the back of his shirt he could always try to claim it was a case of mistaken identity.
So, having bored the living daylights out of all my female readers, let’s try to reassert their superiority. I am sure every man reading this knows about “ The Look “ That’s not a fashion statement, although I am beginning to think that piratical/ Old Testament hair isn’t too bad a look after all. No, I am talking about The Look that is shot at us by our better halves when we even think something of which they don’t approve. It’s that Look that can shatter crystal at fifty yards so why should we even be surprised if they could shatter lightbulbs too. And I am not claiming to be an expert on lightbulbs as I have never changed one in my life. They are a matter of mystery to me along with electric plugs and nappies.
But, one of those little snippets in the paper that give me so much material, caught my eye the other day. It seems that spies can pick up chatter by watching a lightbulb a hundred feet away ( if it’s not been shattered by some woman’s Look ) It seems that by pointing a telescope at a light bulb it is possible to overhear a conversation in a room. Researchers in Israel say that all you need is lap top and a bit of extra equipment, all at a total cost of a thousand pounds. I mean, who would need television if you could just tune into your neighbours’ conversation whenever you chose. Isabella, you are warned. Be careful what you say about us.
The Israelis have called the concept lamphone. But there is a draw back. It doesn’t work on lightbulbs fitted into the ceiling ( the ones my wife finds it impossible to remove … I told you I was useless at things like that. I also have no shame and don’t mind the world knowing of my technical incompetence) What’s technical about changing a light-bulb, I hear you ask. And it doesn’t work on a bulb in a fixed lamp. Oh, and it can’t work if you draw the curtains either. So, maybe not such a Eureka moment after all. The Look will work on anything and shatter through wooden shutters, let alone curtains. Just upset your wife, put it to the test and you will see.
And I can’t end without a mention of Trump. He’s probably the only one who doesn’t jump up and down with excitement when his name appears in my blog. Laura yesterday sent me two texts and told my son and daughter-in-law she got a mention having waited patiently from the very first blog, which earns her another mention today.
Anyway, Trump didn’t know the UK was a nuclear power. That’s helpful. So when we point some nuclear warhead straight at The White House and somebody here is brave enough to press a button, it will come as a bit of a surprise. With that pleasant thought I leave you.
Stay safe, have a good day and if we are spared I will see you all again tomorrow.