All zoomed out. Started first meeting at 10.30 am. Finished last one at 8.00pm. My eyes and ears had virtually given up the ghost by then . Just wondering if I can get into the Guinness Book of Records for being on zoom the longest in one day. But, in the middle of one of the meetings the phone rang. Sean, a manager from Saga was calling ( three days after he said he would and I had the greatest of pleasures ( well, not quite as I can think of greater pleasures … like Newcastle going on to win the FA Cup…. ) in telling him that I was not renewing and that I was going with Admiral at a premium of around £6000 per year ( not a typo ) less than what they had quoted me. Sean took it well and hoped that I would think of returning to Saga at some time in the future. I thought for a second and then said no. End of a beautiful friendship.
But then I didn’t have to wait too long before yet another zoom meeting was interrupted by a call. Unbelievably this was from the NHS. Not had a text from them for months and as far as I was concerned they were still telling me by their silence to ignore everything I heard from Bojo or The Caretaker or read in the papers and continue to stay in my room, playing sudoku, with the window open till the end of June. But, no. This nice lady said I could go out once a day for an hour. She didn’t tell me what I could do in that hour or what happened if I over ran. Her main concern was whether or not I was getting food parcels. We politely told her that we didn’t need them, that we’d sent the last one back, that the nice people at Sainsburys sent us food parcels of our own choosing and that was pretty much that.
So that, I fear is the climax of two very long running stories. No freedom for me at the moment and I am thinking of changing the slogan on the motorway bridge to “ Free the Southgate One . “ I am innocent and everybody who knows me can testify to that. Can’t they ?
Meanwhile the little boy, Sonny, on Chris Evans is now eight so you might think his jokes would have improved. Not a bit of it. Today’s effort.
“ Who’d throw her knickers at The Big Bad Wolf? “
Answer
“ Little Red Riding Would. “
So, let me see if I can do any better as I am in that kind of mood today. Lord Baden Powell is alleged to have been a fan of Hitler and quoted from “ Mein Kampf. “ Whether that’s true or just another urban myth I am not sure, but if he did do it then did he do it around the Kampf-fire between choruses of “ Ging, Gang, Goolie? “
I doubt anybody is bothering to read on, but just in case I have anybody prepared to see this through to the bitter end today, let’s get down to some serious stuff. Pigeons. Again. I mean, you didn’t expect me to discard all my themes in one blog, did you ? I mentioned yesterday that I hadn’t seen my pigeons in a while and now I understand why. They are flying around London trying to find a suitable statue to perch upon. Preferably one of somebody who wasn’t a slave-trader, a racist, a homophobic, a life-long criminal, a pedophile, a slum landlord, an adulterer, a drug addict, a misogynist or anybody else that any right minded person could object to. Even Christopher Columbus is for the chop in the States as he enabled slave traders because he discovered the country to which slaves were brought. Oh and he wasn’t kind to the Native Americans. He never actually met any of them because he just discovered America and didn’t even land there. That’s how absurd this whole thing has become. Abraham Lincoln must surely be next because he kept slaves!
I think the pigeons in this country are down to a choice of one statue. Cleopatra’s Needle. Although as she was Egyptian there may be some Jewish protests demanding that “she let my people go. “ I know, I’ve bent the time lines of history a little, but as all these protestors are re-writing history does that really matter?
Moving on to the important stuff and the BIG news items. I visited Japan a few years ago and loved it. Loved all the bowing and the fact that you can’t give a tip there because it’s an insult as it means you think the person you are trying to tip isn’t earning enough salary. The food is problem as all the menus are in Japanese and you have to go by illustrations. Very few vegetarian restaurants and almost no kosher ones. But, my wife and I did love the Sumo wrestling. It’s not the sort of sport you would think of as being great for spectators, but believe me it is mesmerising.
The wrestlers themselves are super-heroes there with their own fan clubs. They live in “stables “ ( well, not literally ) but it’s a bit like a Formula One “ stable “ in motor racing. They belong to a “ team “ and actually live alongside each other, eating vast amounts of food . Their life expectancy reduces in proportion to their size. Before a bout they stand opposite each other in their little nappies, bow, throw salt on the ground, rub salt on their hands (better than rubbing it into wounds ) and then wrestle. Very briefly. One thrown off a mat or pinioned to the ground loses and then they bow again and the next two contestants emerge.
All fascinating stuff, but why I am telling you this? Because, yesterday a woman fell into a river in Tokyo. She was spotted by a Sumo wrestler who called his mates to help retrieve her, remove her from the river on a stretcher and get her safely to hospital, where she happily recovered. Now, my question is this. How many Sumo wrestlers does it take to rescue one woman from a river? Was she that huge that it took a whole stable of them to do it ? And if they can do that can they now travel the world rescuing statues from rivers as well?
There are a few bright spots in this revisionist saga. Nigel Farage has been forced out of Talk Radio for spouting racist comments. Can’t believe it took them that long to realise what he was about. Shame his statue wasn’t toppled before his foul deeds on Brexit. We might have still been a part of the EEC. And then not a bright spot. They are even talking about removing “ Gavin and Stacey “ from the schedules because two characters in it are referred to as Chinese and Black respectively. They are Chinese and they are Black so not sure what else there was to say about them. As if the Big V isn’t bad enough this is further evidence that we are entering a dystopian phase of the world.
Anyway, enough already. Let’s spare a thought for Marmite lovers and Cocaine Cartels. Seems you can’t get a big jar of Marmite as not enough yeast around as it’s all being used for baking. And as for the Coke guys they are also struggling. The price of coca, the raw material of cocaine has dropped so drastically that there is a crisis in the illegal drugs market. I didn’t see the price of petrol collapse when the producers of crude oil were giving it away. But then I didn’t see a garage either, because I didn’t leave the house to use my car, And no, Saga didn’t offer me a rebate for last year’s premium when my car was largely off the road.
Gotta go. The through room beckons to be dusted and cleaned. Three more zoom calls after that. Roll on the weekend. I’ve decided to give myself weekends off. Nothing really happens on a Saturday ( bit worried about even saying that, as it may be tempting fate, so if the world comes to an end tomorrow you will know it was my fault.
Have a good Sabbath and a good weekend and if we are all spared I will return refreshed on Monday.