Do you remember The Ministry of Funny Walks in Monty Python? Well, we now have The Ministry of Crazy Ideas. The latest concept I so crazy that even I, as a lawyer, find it hard to interpret it and put it down on paper. I am, of course, talking of the “ Bubble “ concept. Paul Simon sang of the “ Boy in the Bubble “ and I have to confess I never understood those lyrics either. But these new insane regulations have totally flummoxed me. Can I now be a “Grandpa in a Bubble ? I don’t think so as I am still officially shielding even though nobody at the NHS ever sent me a shield. Indeed, I had to buy my own mask and gloves. The only thing you can say about the Bubble idea is that it will be good for literacy amongst children.
How so. I hear you ask ? Well, children will have to print out the instructions and then read them as they go along asking if what they are doing is compliant. Won’t we all? Can I be in your support bubble please? My little grand-daughter loves bubbles so she will be up for this as will all West Ham supporters who may have to change their song to “ I’m Forever Blowing Support Bubbles. “
Even as I am typing I keep re-reading it. Adults living alone ( well, that’s not me either ) or single-parent families ( nope, can’t tick that one off ) can form these “ support bubbles “ with another household. But, here is where it gets complicated. Two households with more than one adult cannot unite. And those that can unite, how long can they unite for ?
Jewish readers will kind of study this as if they were studying a religious text. Say the last two sentences of the previous paragraph out loud and you will see what I mean. Non-Jewish readers need a crash course in watching either “ Shtiesel “ or “ Unorthodox “ The bottom line is that, yet again, none of it makes a blind bit of difference to me and the headline in ‘The Times ‘ that says “ Children to be reunited with grandparents again “ is, in the immortal words of President Trump, fake news.
Blink. I am not talking about blinking and missing anything sensible coming from Bojo and his merry crew or from Donald Duck ( whoops, Trump, easily confused ) but the episode of ‘ Dr Who ‘ I mentioned yesterday, It involved statues called the “ Weeping Angels “ They are aliens who have been turned to stone because a living creature has seen them. But if they can tap into the vast reserves of time energy in the Tardis they can start to move. And kill. And the trick is not then to blink when looking at them.
The Angels then returned in further episodes “ The Time of the Angels “ “ Flesh and Stone “ and “ The Angels Take Manhattan “ ( not to be confused with the Leonard Cohen masterpiece, “ First We Take Manhattan and then We Take Berlin “ I love Dr Who. Seen every episode. My fav Doctor is David Tennant who starred in the Weeping Angels episodes.
Why on earth is this old boy woffling on about Dr Who, for Heaven’s sake, I hear you ask ? The clue is in the word “ statues “ Now, let me make it clear I am no racist and no Imperialist. This country did really bad things in most of the countries we ruled. There’s a great book called “ The Scramble for Africa “ that I urge you to read which shows some of the atrocities to which we were a party along with the likes of Germany, Belgium, The Netherlands and the French. And don’t get me started about how we were the first country in the world to use Concentration Camps ( in the Boer War if you are interested ) .
So, my thought was that it might have been nice for the statues to come alive and fight back. Not because those they commemorated were good. They weren’t, they were bad. But because as I said yesterday there is a right and a wrong way to create change and rampaging wildly through the streets on some pretext that what you are doing is so moral that it usurps the law of the land is just not on. That was anarchy lies. That way America lies. Well, it’s President does anyway.
Don’t we have enough to worry about right now without setting up commissions to decide which statutes and which street names are politically correct. I couldn’t understand why they were going to change anything with “ Road “ in it. So many of them and so much work. Then I realized they meant “ Rhodes “ With the angry mob lurking around dear old Cecil’s statue ( and the Rhodes Monument in Cape Town is a pretty impressive piece of work let me tell you ) and positively foaming at the mouth I thought that “ All Rhodes lead to Foam “ could be the mantra. Boom boom.
Having tossed statues into the water they are now fishing them out. Could become our new national sport, Statue Tossing. Would get great viewing figures and no problems about playing it behind closed doors with no spectators. At the first hint that a statue is going to be tossed the mobs will come running, singing, chanting, maybe even wearing scarves as well. Given that Baden-Powell is also now non PC maybe there could follow ritual burnings of scout and cub uniforms. “ Come on, that fire is getting a bit low, toss another toggle on to it. “ I think I would be more tempted to throw another tosser on to it. Lots of those around Tossers tossing statues. What more can I say ?
And now they plan to open zoos before schools. Mind you with some schools it’s a challenge to tell the difference. Have you seen some of the mobs of schoolchildren scrambling to get on a bus and knocking us innocent pensioners aside. Anyway, I can’t use my Freedom Pass any more before 9.00 am. Not a great blow as I can’t see me using public transport this side of Doomsday but to hike up the London Congestion Charge was outrageous.
Just one more point on statues. I mentioned the book “ Mendelssohn on the Roof “ yesterday. It highlights the lunacy of thinking that a stone effigy is any more than just that. In Prague, in the Second World War a German soldier is tasked with the removal of the statue of Jewish composer Mendelssohn from the roof of a public building. The problem is that there are many statues up there and he gets confused and removes the wrong one. That’s what happens when you try be judgmental about history. Easy to make a mistake and although I’ve little doubt that Colston in Bristol was a wrong’un and not somebody with whom I would care to break bread, what happens when you let the mob decide just who or who isn’t acceptable?
I’m expanding my bird spotting activities. The pigeons seem to have moved on, miffed that I didn’t feed them, but not before dropping a couple of big whoopsies on my car. I saw a Jay and I am told I have seen a blue-tit and a goldfinch. But, I am liking the story of the squawking parrot who saved a street ( not a “ Rhode “ ) from a serial burglar. Those of you who can’t get enough news about the Big V etc miss these little gems. This particular burglar raided three houses in the same street, but when he tried to push his luck a little further he bumped into Charlie the parrot who raised the alarm so loudly that his owner came down to investigate having first called the police. Charlie is an orange-winged Amazon parrot. I’m not sure if he comes from the Amazon or was bought on it. I mean there are no boundaries as to what you can buy on line.
Am off now to attend a meeting on zoom of all 68 Clubs in the National League so I may be gone some time as some explorer or other said. There’s a statue for him in London so please leave it alone.
Have a good day, stay safe and if we are spared I will see you all tomorrow.