As The Kaiser Chiefs ( another band of which Isabella aged 94 would never have heard) sang, “ It’s Cool to Know Nothing , “ Which makes me pretty cool as in terms of The Big V. In that respect, I continue to try to know as little as possible. However, I do know that The Kaiser Chiefs are named after a South African football team of the same name. But, there’s a guy in the States who I wouldn’t have minded emulating ( will get to him in a minute and no, I’ve not taken leave of my senses, it’s not Trump… although I did have a bit of a shock when I saw a small headline last week that read, “ Trump wins as snooker returns. “ Given that Trump has snookered the whole of America it didn’t totally surprise me, but when I actually read the article ( and I do generally try to stick to headlines only as if you read the article then you begin to know something and are consequently less cool ) it was referring to Judd Trump the World Number One snooker player. You think he might have wanted to change his name wouldn’t you ?
I don’t really know nothing, of course. I just work on a need to know basis. I needed to know yesterday who won the 2000 Guineas, the first classic of the season and who won between Borussia Dortmund and Hertha Berlin. Delighted to tell you it was Dortmund, but they are still seven points behind Bayern Munich and that’s a gap too far. Interesting that the coverage of the German football on BT Sport has a sound editor. He turns on crowd noises to fit the action. I loved it when a player kicked the ball petulantly out of play and the sound guy played a whole section of a non-existent crowd booing his poor sportsmanship . It’s a bit like the old canned laughter on American sit-coms like “ I Love Lucy “ and “ The Golden Girls”. They’ve also allowed teams to have five substitutes . Shame it’s not eight as I’d love to see a player called Covid run on to the pitch with the number nineteen on his back. Mind you when the Premier League returns all the players are going to have tributes to the NHS on their shirts, so for Thursday night matches we can return to clapping the NHS and the poor underpaid footballers who are putting their lives at risk for our entertainment. ( For my American readers, that’s irony… I think )
Meanwhile continuing with things I don’t really need to know how the oven works or how to change a light-bulb or how to change a nappy or cook a meal. But I think I still know more than the guy in the States who I wanted to emulate ( see first paragraph if you have lost the thread ) who emerged last week blinking into the sunlight after a 75 day silent retreat in a log cabin in Vermont. He works at a Monastic Academy so I guess he is pretty used to silence and solitude, but when he tweeted on his return to the world, “ I’m back, did I miss anything ? “ I don’t think he was trying to be ironic. Americans don’t do irony anyway, except when it comes to electing Presidents. Mind you. I am thinking that a lot of you are thinking maybe he had the right idea and trawling the internet for your nearest friendly neighbourhood monastery to see if they have any vacancies. My suggestion, as it was at the start of the Big V, is that you enroll until July 31st when I think it will be safe to come out.
My wife is very dismissive of my attempts at medical know-how. I am, amongst other things, convinced that the mosquito bites I received on my ankle in South Africa in January, which continue to irritate me have made me immune. My latest theory is that the torrential rain and thunder and lightning yesterday ( at least in my area of North London ) not only cleared the dust off my car, but also washed the Big V away. Well, those theories are just as plausible as self-injection with Dettol. Aren’t they ?
On the subject of my car, Jonathan who used to clean it every month is coming to do just that on Wednesday for the first time since February. I think I probably need to pay him double. Wednesday is a big day for me in several ways. I’ve said nothing about my toe-nails for months ( least said, the better I think ) but they are now officially lethal weapons. In the new Amazon Prime series starring Reece Witherspoon and Kerry Washington it’s a criminal offence in the small town of Shaker where it is set, to allow the grass on your lawn to grow higher than six inches. If the local cops or neighbourhood watch spot the infringement then it’s an on the spot fine. Don’t you just love small town America? It’s a brilliant series by the way, but it’s made me aware that until I get to the chiropodist that I daren’t wear open toed sandals where anybody can see for fear of instant arrest.
Just a final television and football note to anybody who hasn’t yet watched “ The First Team“ on BBC then it’s a must see, whether you are a footie fan or not. It’s written by the duo who wrote the “ The In-Betweeners “ and it’s just as well-crafted. As somebody who has worked inside the football industry for over forty years I usually hate any attempt to fictionalize it on tv, but this is spot on. It’s also not too late to buy “ Football Babylon “ and “How to be a Sports Agent “ by yours truly if you really want some insight into the industry.
Very very last football football ref today is a plug for my old pal Harry Harris’s definitive book on Italia 90 . @footielegends 100 is where to check it out or just look on Amazon.
And the very very very last piece of footie stuff. If you didn’t see the re-run of England v Scotland from the Euros in 96 and Gazza’s extraordinary goal then check it out. A sublime piece of poetry in motion.
There’s another ailment going around apart from the Big V and this time I am not immune. It’s called Zoom Fatigue. It assails you when, like me, you just have too many zoom meetings or social zoom calls in a day. Tomorrow I have four of the buggers. You have to keep looking at yourself to ensure you are looking presentable. You have to remember not to scratch that annoying itch, or sneeze all over the screen or pick your nose ( not that I do ) and you have to keep on the look out to admit people if you are the host. Last week I got so carried away at a meeting I was hosting that I left some poor invitee in the waiting room for so long that he thought he was travelling on British Rail ( more on that subject tomorrow )
Then you have all the little faces in the gallery looking like a very mature edition of “University Challenge “ albeit without those two annoying guys from the last series, though most of my zoom meetings do contain people who tend to go on for a bit ( ALL my readers excepted, I do not mean you ! ) I’ve taken to texting people on the screen as it breaks the boredom to see them look at their phone as the text arrives, frantically type a response and give me the chance to build that into my ever changing agenda for the meeting.
Is it any wonder then that people who are zoom fatigued have found zoom meetings more exhausting than the real thing? Ok, so you don’t have to travel a couple of hours to get there, but it’s much harder to find an excuse to leave early as everybody can see when you leave the meeting and if you are the host you have to appoint somebody else so it’s pretty obvious you’ve had your fill.
Also nobody can look anybody in the eye so all those “ tells “ you get as to how the meeting is going or whether or not you’ve offended anybody with a joke ( I always have ) just aren’t there.
Anyway, not done on that subject, but have to go. Not to mow the lawn ( it’s a bit too wet to mow ) not to feed Tommy, Timmy, Theresa and Tabitha Tomato either ( they got more than enough water yesterday ) but to get my garden table ready for the arrival of my son Paul, daughter-in-law Rachel, grand-daughter Cara and Sam as well.
So, let’s hope it stays dry and see you all tomorrow if we are spared.