I turn my back ( or rather turn my phone and Mac off ) for a couple of days and just so much happens. The problem is that I can’t remember all of it as wasn’t able to write it down, but will do my best to piece it all together.
The big news, I suppose, is that as a shielded person ( makes me sound like a Crusader or a Gladiator, both of which I am singularly ill-equipped to be ) I am allowed out. Well, once a day, anyway, with one other person from my household. Given that there is only one other person in my household that doesn’t give me a lot of choice. And it’s not clear if I am permitted out unaccompanied. Not sure how long I am allowed out for, or how far I can go, or whether that’s by foot or car ( can I drive as far as Durham ? can I go to an optician if I can find one open ? ) if I go for a walk does the other person have to hold my hand when I cross the road in case I have forgotten the Highway Code during the lengthy period of my incarceration? I am desperate for a text and some guidance from my old friend at the NHS. Come on, whoever and whatever you are, let’s let bygones be bygones.
Whichever way the dice tumble it has to be better than the choices with which I was faced on Friday and Saturday. Namely, where to sit in the garden, the lawn or the patio? The lounger or the hammock? Which book to read next ( I finished numbers ten and eleven yesterday) Shall I make a Pimms ( did with Lemonade past its expiry date ) or have a glass of wine ? Or a whisky? And if so which whisky? Or can I face another game of scrabble? My wife is leading 7-5 in our current World Series. I mean if the Americans can have a World Series in Baseball where only American teams compete, why can’t we have a World Series in scrabble with two contestants?
We have a Nanny State and here I am having to make all these decisions on my own. Think may well rename Bojo as BroJo ( short for Big Brother Boris ) I mean he and the Caretaker seem to be making every other decision for me as to how I live my life so why not any of the above ?
I’ve just realized that I’ve had another pop at poor old Caretaker Cummings when I promised myself not to. “ Have I Got News For You “ seemed to dedicate its entire edition to him this week and Giles Coren suggested that he had ruined his lock-down life in The Times. Enough already. The guy does a very good job as the caretaker at Number 10. He feeds the cat, empties the litter tray, cleans the classroom ( although Brojo insists on called it the Cabinet Room ) and makes sure there’s school milk for all the Cabinet Members. The fact that he can’t explain to me precisely what I do next is by the by and I won’t hold it against him. But, they all have to realise that my self-confidence is shattered and I need to be led by the hand in whichever direction they choose. I just hope it involves a visit to the park so I can see my friend, the swans again.
That may seem to be suggest that I am being disloyal to my new-found friends the pigeons. But, I’ve realized there may be some considerable danger in pigeon-spotting. There’s this poor villager in Pakistan whose pigeon has been held on spying charges after it crossed the border into India. Seems the creature flew over the disputed Kashmir area when it was intercepted by Indian villagers. The Indian security services are trying to decipher the numbers on a ring on its leg which its owner says is merely his own mobile number in case the bird got lost. ( Not sure why they can’t just ring the number. I suppose that’s what is meant by ringing a homing pigeon ) I don’t think he ever thought it would be held as a spy. The rumour is that the bird is now a stool-pigeon and is spilling the bird seed to its captors.
I mentioned Cabinet Meetings before ( don’t worry Dom, I’ve moved on from you as am as bored with you as are the rest of nation ) but on the subject of Board Meetings ( which might just as well be called Bored meetings ) generally I can only say from personal experience that they tend to go on for far too long. I mean “ Any Other Business” should definitely come off the agenda because there is always somebody who sits through the whole meeting and then springs to life when that final item for discussion finally comes around after hours and hours.
The unfortunate lady, Dudu Myeni, who managed to run South African Airways into the ground had the right idea. She was a friend of Jacob Zuma and without any experience whatsoever was appointed to run a perfectly decent airline. I mean there were times when I actually chose SAA over BA for internal flights in South Africa. She managed to rack up about a billion of losses ( not sure if that was rand or pounds ) and the airline was driven into insolvency and has now had to be given 1.6 billion more of state bailouts to stay “ afloat.” Not sure you can say an airline is afloat unless it specializes in crash landings in the sea. Probably more accurate to say that it’s future is up in the air.
The reason I mention all this is that she had an excellent method of dealing with Board members who disagreed with her or who tried to establish some freedom of debate. She posted armed guards outside the Board room door and simply called them in to rid herself of anybody who dared to disagree with her or threatened to extend the meeting by raising any other business items and thus delay her lunch.
Sounds a bit like our old friend Trump really who has continued his one man war against Twitter in the interest of FREE SPEECH. His capitals not mine. Seems that his definition of free speech doesn’t accord with that of Twitter. He wants to say whatever he likes but doesn’t want anybody ( Twitter in particular ) to have any right of freedom of speech to qualify or criticize it. Seems in Trumpland that social media is “ unfair “ Who ever said that life was fair Donald ?
I’m rushing through this today as its lawn-mowing morning and I want to get stuck in before it gets too hot. Never thought I would ever say that in England in May. Mind you, Wimbledon was due to start next month so we are guaranteed some rain then. I was a bit concerned by a headline that said. “ Freak lawnmower crash kills coffee partner. “ The only coffee partner I have at the moment is my missus and she tends to keep well clear when I am rotating my blades. I think she is mindful of the fact that my two fav tv programmes are “ Dexter “ and “ Killing Eve “ though I can’t recall that either Villanelle or Dex ever used a lawnmower as a weapon of choice . Anyway, going to be particularly careful this morning.
On the subject of violent deaths was watching the brilliant BBC programmed about The Boomtown Rats. Had forgotten they were the biggest selling band of the last 70’s. Seems they never quite took off in the States. Couple of reasons. 1. Their first record label thought it would be a good idea to buy 1000 dead rats and send one out with every album to the radio stations. 2. The father of the girl who shot her classmates , the incident which inspired “ I Don’t Like Mondays “ threatened the record label with a law suit if they issued the single in the States after it made Number One in the charts here.
Do urge you to watch the programme though whether you were into Bob Geldof, the Rats or rats generally
Anyway will don by PPE to mow the lawn and if we are spared will see you all tomorrow.