I’ve gathered quite a few Facebook friends lately and that’s one of the places where I post a link to this blog. I does occur to me that if any of them read the blog for the first time today it will be like somebody tuning into the The Archers on Radio 4 having not heard a single episode throughout its entire seventy years. I mean, all these characters who have become part of the life of my regular readers. Just as The Archers used to have an intro that said “An Everyday Story of Country Folk “ mine can be described as an everyday story of everybody I’ve ever met, even in a supermarket queue ( not that I did supermarket queues even before my little mate at the NHS told me not to, but you get my drift ) I’d like to say that new readers should start with Day 1, but who has the time, the energy or the inclination to do that. Trust me, you’ll pick it up as you go along, even if today’s is quite parochial.
I think I may have invented a new type of party and if I could copyright an idea ( which you can’t ) then I would most certainly do so. I mean, if your wife is having a Big Birthday ( she gets to edit and censor these as you know ) during the Big V what are you supposed to do. Zoom parties are soooo yesterday ( though I understand it’s the in-thing to get zoom entertainment for kids’ birthday parties ) so I decided to invent the front door-step party. This is the one when you simply don’t let your guests into the house. Unlike zoom where everybody can see the mess in which you live, here your visitors are limited to a bare glimpse of your hall. No risk of anybody nicking a painting off the wall or a bit of Auntie’s antique silver to which they take a fancy ( please don’t tell me that’s never happened to you… it’s actually never happened to me and in fact the worst a guest has done as I mentioned about 30 blogs ago is to bend some spoons… but cut me some literary licence please)
I had this organized down to the last detail. Guests arriving at thirty minute intervals from 2. 15 pm on. Older son designated to buy a birthday cake, wine in the fridge, paper plates and plastic forks, I mean what could go wrong? My friend, Jonny for starters ( married to Naomi , remember. I mean you’ve met most of my friends over the past few months ) Jonny delivered some nuts from Marksies Tuesday night and casually said to my wife that he would see her tomorrow ( i.e yesterday ) at 7pm. This presented me with a problem that a very rude and accusational and in fact, down right belligerent whatsapp message to Naomi about the shortcomings of her husband , did nothing to resolve. So, I did what most husbands and all lawyers do and I told a downright lie. Ok, I’m not proud of it, but there you go. Dammit, I am pretty proud of it because my wife bought it hook line and sinker which at least encouraged me to think that if I ever hooked up with a twenty-year-old blonde air stewardess I could probably get away with that as well ! I said that Naomi had said that they would be going for an evening’s stroll in a nearby park and would probably walk by the house to wish her happy birthday. Pretty quick thinking, I thought.
Not such a major untruth now I come to think of it because I had asked my friend Ann ( the one who appeared in one of my novels as the woman who goes to the ballet with the wife. And she does. Which only proves that of you hang around me long enough you will end up in one of my books ) to organise a rota of friends to call on the door-step between 2.15 and 5.30. Bit of a challenge you may think, but it worked like a dream. Older son brought bagels and the dog for lunch. We ate the bagels, but left the dog to its own devices .Weather was lovely and Colin and Angela came at 2.15 on the dot. Gave them some cake, no alcohol as Colin has rarely drunk since I nearly killed him on his stag night ( see Blog about number 10… think ) Maybe I should do what Hilary Mantel does and have a list of characters at the start of each blog as they keep popping up again and again. On that subject, thanks Isabella aged 94 ( chat with her grand-daughter in Portugal went very smoothly today… I’ve bought a new phone on my insurance which is coming tomorrow ) for giving me a huge bar of Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut in return for my keeping you all amused. She has set the bar very high if anybody else wants to have a go..
2.45 pm should have been Viv and Johnny, but Johnny had to go to work. Again, cake but no booze. 3.00pm Philip and Sharon. Bit of a pattern here. Cake, but no alcohol. Isabella was zooming her grand-daughter in Portugal throughout all this, by the way, sitting at her open door on the famous stall. ( See about a dozen blogs ago for that cross reference ) 3.30pm my wife’s sister Val and husband Howard. Very exciting as my wife and her had not seen each other since January, though they talk about ten times a day. I have to confess I was so disillusioned by the lack of interest in my wine in the fridge by then, that I forgot to offer it, but Val took the cake ( Howard never eats cake, or chocolate or sweets and only eats one type of very boring biscuit… you know the one everybody leaves in a multi-selection box, so apple and water for him ) and the wine was intact.
I was gagging for a glass by then, but drinking alone in the middle of the afternoon is the first step on the road to ruin. Remember the Jimmy Ruffin song “ Margharita Time ? “ No, of course you don’t Isabella. It ‘s 6 pm and the cocktail hour somewhere, was the general gist of that… But, I had to struggle on because next on the bill were Peter and Ruth ( slice of the ever diminishing cake each but no wine ) and then younger son, Paul and 15 month old Cara , She was a bit surprised to discover that we existed in the flesh outside of a box on her Daddy’s phone during bath-time. In fact Johnny and Viv had called round the night before as a diversionary tactic to bring a giant pot of flowers. It was just when we were singing “ If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands “ to Cara and Johnny, who can sing, joined in and my son said that the didn’t recognize the version as it was the first time she had heard it sung in tune. Anyway, she loved Wanda and the complete set of the Telletubbies we produced ( Po was always my favourite ,but she took to La La ) . Cake packed up to send them home with, but still no wine. I was getting desperate.
Then to my relief Naomi and a shame-faced Johnny turned up. She grabbed a large whisky, but didn’t fancy the wine although she did have some cake. Johnny a committed vegan and destroyer of door-step party plans wouldn’t eat the cake as it contained eggs…. When it comes to food our friends can be pretty boring. When it comes to wine, more boring still.
It took the last arrivals Norma , Ann ( rota organiser ) and her husband Jeff to give me a ray of hope. I asked Norma first, forgetting she is tee-total. I was close to slashing my wrists by then, but then ever reliable Ann and Jeff accepted both the cake and the wine and my wife had a glass of wine and so did I. A very large one.
So, all in all, given the Big V a quite remarkable day. Presents and cards galore, generous donations to my younger son’s Royal Free Just Giving page I set up in my wife’s name and just enough cake to see us through tomorrow. I may not be able to cook, change a light bulb or hang a picture on the wall ( see earlier blogs for background ) I may be good for nothing but blogging and writing novels, but I sure know how to throw a front door-step birthday party. In fact not a bad idea for my next book.
So forget about zoom, forget about zoom entertainers, they, like Elvis , have left the zoom. Forget about my new hobby of pigeon spotting. I have found myself my niche in life at last. The first and , if I may so, the best Front Door-Step Party Organiser in the country. I am available for weddings, barmitzvahs, Christenings and Confirmations. You know where to find me. And my front door-step is available for hire .
And the party supplied me with enough material for a whole blog ( I deserved that ) so It’s win-win all round.
But, then the icing on the cake ( not much of that left, I fear ). My ex-daughter-in-law, Jenny rang this morning and asked if she could bring Sam round ( that’s my 11 -year-old grandson, by the way, for new readers. So he finished the party off nicely just as he finished off a ginger-bread man, a vegan muffin bar, a whole packet of mentos and two orange drinks in the space of thirty minutes. Still, lovely to see him and what’s a front door-step party ithout all the grandchildren ?
That’s me done for today. Stay safe and if we are spared I will see you all tomorrow