Over the past few months I’ve pretty much opened up my soul to all you people and let you into some of my deepest, darkest secrets. I receive blackmail notes in my in- box and through my letter box every day, so much do you know about me. Yet, I’ve held one thing back and once this is out there, then I am pegged out naked in the hot noon-day sun.
I love Eurovision. There, I’ve said it and I actually feel much better now. Not just because I’ve come out over Eurovision, but because I’ve saved myself a fortune in therapy. I no longer have to lie on the psychiatrist’s couch and explain how my life was ruined by the likes of , “Volare “ ( yes, that was a very early Eurovision winner when it was shown in black and white and the Italian guy who sang it wore a dinner suit and a bow-tie ) and “Congratulations “ ( which didn’t even win for Cliff Richard ) and “ Sing Little Birdie “ ( who remembers Pearl Carr and Teddy Johnson? Saw them years later in Sondheim’s “ Follies “ at Sadlers Wells if I recall correctly when they played the washed-up elderly singing duo… which they also did at Eurovision with “ Sing Little Birdie “ ) and The Allisons version of “Are You Sure ? “ ( remember those brothers who only ever had one other hit but who topped the bill at The London Palladium )
There was an air of sadness in my house last night. We usually hold a Eurovision Party ( so in fact I hadn’t quite disclosed everything when I said I loved Eurovision ) I watch the semi-finals on Wednesday and Thursday ( not quite dredged the bottom of the barrel yet ) and make up a list of all the finalists. I’ve printed out flags of most of the countries over the years ( getting deep down and dirty now ) and we stick them on the windows and all over the room. We get in food from the various contestants. French and Italian cheese, Spanish olives, Austrian kosher wine ( yes there is such a thing ) nuts from anywhere that fits into the atmosphere of the evening and Australian fruit ( yes, Australia is in Eurovision though nobody has figured out what would happen if they won )
This year we still had Graham Norton to introduce it, we still had the usual trip down memory lane, we even had a viewer’s vote as to the best Eurovision song of all time… “Waterloo “ by Abba obviously, though if I had voted it would have been for Katrina and The Waves, “ Shine Your Light on Me “ ( our last victory ) We learned Ireland has won more often than any other country ( seven times if you are interested ) that Johnny Logan of Ireland is the only singer to win it twice and there he was, his hair silver, or maybe it was his toupee that was silver ) his beard thick and grey and still singing “ What’s Another Year? “ whilst we had a multi-screen of about thirty sad and lost souls joining in. And then there was Dana ( having just appeared in the final of celebrity “ Pointless “ the rules of which I have never understood. They’ve been explained to me and all I could say was “ Pointless “ because it is.) She revisited “ All Kinds of Everything “ in a very matronly way as well.
There were Brotherhood of Man with “ Save All Your Kisses for Me “ with their extraordinary pointed collars and that gut-wrenching twist at the end when you realise the song is addressed to a three-year-old and Jedward the talentless Irish brothers and the Russian Grannies and the bearded woman who won one year and Dana International the bloke from Israel in the figure hugging dress singing “ Diva “ ( mercifully we were spared “Hallelujah “ another Israeli winner ) and at the end of the day we were asked to sit through all forty of the songs that would have made up this year’s competition.
We were asked to and I declined. Iceland were a sure thing to win and that’s why I think they abandoned the contest. Nothing to do with The Big V. It was just nobody wanted to shlep all the way to Reykajavik next year, that was for sure . I mean I even had to google the correct spelling . Of Reykajavik that is, not shlep .
There was no voting so we were also spared the ignominy of everybody else ganging up on us and giving us nul points. We have been reduced to scraping a few votes together from the likes of Malta, Gibraltar ( who never give a point to Spain ) and Ireland ( who seem to have forgiven us for all the years of Occupation and the Maze Prison ) Apart from that you know that all the Russian satellites will vote for Russia to avoid another invasion, The rest of the Eastern Block vote for the rest of the Eastern Block. Norway votes for Denmark. San Marino votes for Italy and vice-versa. It’s a shame that the Vatican never enter to give Italy twelve points every year.
So why do I watch it ? Why do people gather at my house every year to wave the British Flag ( or the Israeli flag in the case of friends such as Colin and Angela and Sharon and Philip who have an apartment there ) ? I’ve outed them too as viewers along with us. Why do our guests take a little slip of paper out of a bowl with the name of a country on it ( that’s why I watch the semi-finals to get the draw right ) and then follow the country they’ve drawn with concentrated intensity? And why, if we are spared, when we make the plans for next year will they all be back? Because it’s really good fun, the food and drink are plentiful, we don’t charge for admission and there are prizes for the winner and whoever gets the country which comes last. ( That’s why getting UK guarantees you a prize )
Still you have to feel sorry for the bloke who was due to sing our song this year. It was called “ My Last Breath “ Then the competition was cancelled and he caught the Big V very badly and nearly did draw his last breath and now he’s been told that if he is chosen to sing again next year he has to come up with a brand new song. I suppose the upside is that if he isn’t re-invited he won’t have “ Came Last in Eurovision “ on his cv .
So, that was all yesterday and live football returned. Sorry, Isabella aged 94 , I’ve written about a load of songs and singers that you have never heard of and now I’ve brought sport into it as well. The football came from Germany. An empty stadium, the players not spitting or holding on to each other at each corner, no celebrations and no hand-shakes except for one desultory effort as a player being substituted greeted his replacement . I watched Borussia Dortmund play FC Schaltz. It was very educational. I now know it was a local derby as the teams are only seventeen miles apart and they are both in the Ruhr. Who says sport teaches you nothing? It also teaches you philosophy as the LIverpool manager, another German called Jurgen Klopp ( well, he would be wouldn’t he? ) said “ Football is the most important thing of all the least important things, right now “ Now, if that’s not philosophy then I don’t know what is. Dortmund won 4-0 if you are interested and I have temporarily adopted them as my team. I am very competitive and simply can’t watch anything without wanting somebody to win. Mind you, I can do without us ( UK ) being second in The Big V statistics table right now. I mean where are all those countries in Eurovision who relegate us to the bottom of the league every year when you really need them?
So that was me watching two things on tv that were not a drama, or a thriller ( 4-0 was a bit dull if I am honest as was Eurovision without the voting….Good evening from Athens, these are the votes of the Greek panel… ) and I did also catch up with two documentaries. One about Dusty Springfield, brilliant but damaged talent… did you know her brother Tom was really called, Dionysius . P A. O’Brien ? She, of course, was really Mary O’Brien. And then one on Peter Sellers, another genius who married the wrong woman and then the wrong woman and then the wrong woman and then the even wronger woman. He had to marry every female he met he was so insecure. Seems he wanted to marry Sophia Loren as well, but she was having none of it.
So, having thought at the start that I had no idea how to fill this blog it is now full and I have to go and mow the lawn. Stay safe and if we are spared I will see you all tomorrow.